i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
