last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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