Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
