apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
