Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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