I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
