Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
