dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
