I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Couch. On fire.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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