and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
