The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
