im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
