woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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