a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
