I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
