??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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