I cannot find my penis.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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