That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
