its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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