you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
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I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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