And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
