I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
