so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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