so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Enjoy the penises
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
