Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
