Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie