So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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