Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions