you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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