What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just puked most of my soul out..
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
