woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
