it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
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Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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