I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
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If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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