I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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