Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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