you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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