there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
