we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
