I'm going to jail i love you
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
