i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
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He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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