Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
