Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
