I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
