My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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