I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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