i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
