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• (312): View more from Illinois

  I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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• (231): View more from Michigan

  Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend

  (231): View more from Michigan

  I love it when he cheats on me with nice people

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• (310): View more from California

  I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.

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• (214): View more from Texas

  I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"

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• (425): View more from Washington

  I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.

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• (228): View more from Mississippi

  STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS

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• (727): View more from Florida

  No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."

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