If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
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