The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
