Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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