Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
