does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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