I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Randomize
