There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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