She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
the raccoons are back...
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