i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize