you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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