She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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